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What if I don’t want to walk away, what if I’d rather turn around? Or better yet stop dead in my tracks? Why is that not given to me as an option? And if it is why do I view it as such a set back rather than self gratifying? I am told it is wrong to be self destructive. So I try not to think of things that hurt me. But what if the thought of someone you truly love in a unique way, hurts you? It seems almost more sinful to forget or not remember…it seems sinful not to think the painful thoughts that in turn are self destructive. I am left here to wonder where and why I draw inspiration or motivation. Why do these theories and thoughts and conclusions settle in my head? Why now? However I am not complaining that I did somehow someway run across these assumptions I turned into theory.To live in a world that is streamed with any undertone of agony is hard. I do give myself credit for not giving up. But I have given up on many things in my life, I have given up and made myself, and others suffer the consequences. Of course my settling for not accomplishing something or deciding not to climb the mountain to reach the treasure on the other side, is not as drastic of a form of giving up as my brother’s. I guess trying to draw a parallel between me not conquering my fear of driving long distances alone and making others cater to my inability is unfair and not the same as my brother’s suicide. In dealing with the loss of my brother and the gain of so many unwanted problems and set backs in my life I feel almost confused more than anything. There are so many ways to view situations that you can never really tell if your point of view is correct or at least near the “right answer”. I struggle with the idea of moving on, walking away and starting fresh. It seems unfair and almost cruel (that is if it is possible to be cruel to someone no longer here). I try to think, if I died…how I would feel about people moving on, and away from my death on and with their lives. How much of that is really their decision, I would ponder. But then again the factor that my brother ended his own life, brings in the thought that maybe it doesn’t matter if he would or wouldn’t view me moving on as forgetful of him, maybe due to his suicide he doesn’t get favor or an opinion in my life…since he did make the abrupt decision not to be in mine any longer.
I wonder if living for someone else makes life easier or not. On one hand by living for someone else, life seems to be more meaningful and less selfish, you can always justify your actions by simply pointing to the person you are living for. But on the other hand by living for someone else, you deprive yourself of so many self satisfying adventures, as selfish as it may seem, I think those self satisfying adventures are a must in life.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a foreign country, where no one speaks my language. I feel as if I could speak of my feelings and thoughts all day but yet communication fails. And no one is brought closer to understanding me. Sometimes I feel like I live in this language barrier land, I long to go home, I long to go back to the place that people understand me. Unfortunately this country is figurative and “home” is in the past, and without being able to turn back time “home” can never be reached.
That’s why I ask, is it so wrong to not want to walk away but to turn around or to simply stop? Is it self destructive to not turn away from the thoughts of pain that float in your head, for the simple hope of not forgetting a loved one? Is it that bad to live in a nightmare, if that’s what your life has turned into? Live your life. So I do, with questions and with the rebellion of not wanting to walk away yet, because I don’t know if that is really the “right answer”.
